Then I wake up...

When Mom first died I started having very vivid dreams about her still being in the hospital. It was as if nothing had changed, and I was sitting right beside of her bed taking care of her. In my dreams we would usually talk about how she wanted her hair to look when it started growing back. She loved her hair! But then I would wake up, and I would have to lie in bed and relive her death. To this day I can’t quite bring myself to realize that she is dead. I cannot hug her, call her, nothing. She is gone. One of my friends recently asked me, “I never know whether to talk about your Mom or to not just say anything. What is easiest for you?” I didn’t know how to really answer that. It’s almost like I don’t want anyone to talk about her, but then when they don’t it hurts me. It’s such a weird process. Some days I feel like if you were to simply say “hi” to me that I would just burst out into tears. Then there are days like yesterday. I could not stop crying all day. My insides hurt, and I just ached all over. It was almost uncontrollable.

The Lord has placed quite a few people in my life that have been in my shoes. Maybe they haven’t lost a Mom at 19 years old, but a brother or a father at a young age. It has been nice to talk to people that have had the same thought process as me. A couple of weeks ago a preacher told me exactly what I needed to hear. He said, “People will tell you it gets easier. It never gets easier; God just gives you the grace you need to learn how to deal with it every day.” It was almost hard to hear that, but in a way it helped.

So here I am again reminding myself that God counted my family worthy to go through this. He chose us to go through this because He knew we could handle it by leaning on Him. “…but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able…”

God IS faithful. I CAN get through this with HIS help. Each day seems to be getting harder and not any better. I do know that the Lord sees my tears, and hears my earnest plea for help. What a friend I have in Jesus. Even though I feel like He must be getting tired of hearing me cry about how much I miss and want my mom….He never does. He even saves my tears. I look forward to the day I get to reunite with my precious Mother. “In the sweet by and by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore…”