Then I wake up...

When Mom first died I started having very vivid dreams about her still being in the hospital. It was as if nothing had changed, and I was sitting right beside of her bed taking care of her. In my dreams we would usually talk about how she wanted her hair to look when it started growing back. She loved her hair! But then I would wake up, and I would have to lie in bed and relive her death. To this day I can’t quite bring myself to realize that she is dead. I cannot hug her, call her, nothing. She is gone. One of my friends recently asked me, “I never know whether to talk about your Mom or to not just say anything. What is easiest for you?” I didn’t know how to really answer that. It’s almost like I don’t want anyone to talk about her, but then when they don’t it hurts me. It’s such a weird process. Some days I feel like if you were to simply say “hi” to me that I would just burst out into tears. Then there are days like yesterday. I could not stop crying all day. My insides hurt, and I just ached all over. It was almost uncontrollable.

The Lord has placed quite a few people in my life that have been in my shoes. Maybe they haven’t lost a Mom at 19 years old, but a brother or a father at a young age. It has been nice to talk to people that have had the same thought process as me. A couple of weeks ago a preacher told me exactly what I needed to hear. He said, “People will tell you it gets easier. It never gets easier; God just gives you the grace you need to learn how to deal with it every day.” It was almost hard to hear that, but in a way it helped.

So here I am again reminding myself that God counted my family worthy to go through this. He chose us to go through this because He knew we could handle it by leaning on Him. “…but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able…”

God IS faithful. I CAN get through this with HIS help. Each day seems to be getting harder and not any better. I do know that the Lord sees my tears, and hears my earnest plea for help. What a friend I have in Jesus. Even though I feel like He must be getting tired of hearing me cry about how much I miss and want my mom….He never does. He even saves my tears. I look forward to the day I get to reunite with my precious Mother. “In the sweet by and by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore…”

"...David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."

It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog. I have sat down many times to write, but reliving all that has taken place is almost too unbearable. After Mom’s funeral I turned around and went right back to college to finish out the semester. I was very behind on all the work that I had missed, so I was very busy catching up and keeping up with all my classes. Being constantly surrounded by people helped me too. Now that I am home for the summer and can sit down and breathe, I believe I have just begun the grieving process. There are many books written on grieving, and almost anything you read has narrowed grief down to 5 stages: 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance. There is no specific time frame for these stages. For some people it can take as little as a couple of months, while for other people it could take several years. For me personally I don’t think I’m passed the denial, but I know I’m in the anger stage. I am on edge all the time. I find myself feeling frustrated and aggravated all the time at people when they have done nothing to me. The littlest things offend me. I’m just so mad that this happened. But behind the anger and frustration is just a longing to have my mother here with me. I not only emotionally hurt, but physically from the inside out. It takes me almost the whole day to get myself ready, and just trying to get my body out of bed is a struggle every morning.

I don’t just hurt for myself, but for my family as well. I think I hurt more for my dad than my own self. He is experiencing a different type of grief than I am. I have lost my mother, but he has lost a spouse. After being by her side for over 20 years he feels an emptiness that I cannot understand even though this is a huge loss for me as well. Half of him is gone, and he doesn’t know who he is without her. Watching him grieve is by far one of the most painful things I have ever endured emotionally. I can sit by him while he cries and wrap my arms around him, but there is nothing I can do or say to take away the pain he is experiencing. It is heart breaking. There are reminders of her everywhere. I can’t even sit in my normal pew at church because that’s where Mom and I sat together every Sunday. There are things I’ve always wanted, but have now changed since she is gone. For instance, I have always dreamed of getting married at my church because that’s where my parents were married. But now the thought of walking down the same aisle as her just makes me cry.

So how am I supposed to get through this and move on? God’s Word tells me in Psalm 124:8, “Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” In order for me to get through every second of the day I must lean on the Lord because He is where my help is. It is not wrong to grieve and to miss my mom, but I must not let it consume me. I do not want to miss the path that God has prepared for me, so I must trust and lean on Him or I will not be able to function. God knew this would happen, and His timing is perfect even though I don’t understand why He took her at this stage in my life. I do know that the Lord allowed this in my life so that others can see HIM through my brokenness. 2 Corinthians 1:4, “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” If I am not trusting God and walking with Him how am supposed to be an effective light for Him? That’s simple, I can’t. Today I wrote this blog entry down more for myself than anyone. The Bible says in I Samuel that “… David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.” I am encouraged and reminded of who God is, and that He has a special plan for my life. I praise God for the love He has shown me, and for all the little reminders He brings throughout the day to show me how much He cares and that He remembers how much I am hurting right now. I love Him.