A Faithful God

During the month of June Mom continued to take chemo treatments, and in between each round the doctors would allow her to come home for up to 2 weeks. She could never make it that long though. I hated it for her. She would always be so relieved to get to come home, but would be so sick she would have to be re-admitted. During the time she was able to be at home she would work around the house trying to get chores and various things done even though she had no strength. I remember she would call me at work to tell me the things she had accomplished. She was so proud of herself! I was proud of her. Usually every day when I arrived home she would be in the bathroom throwing up. I know everyone hates being sick like that, but she especially did. She would be fine one minute, and the next she would be covering her mouth trying to hold it in until she got to the bathroom. I would run as fast as I could to try and grab a trashcan for her, and stand there while she would be so sick. Her tears were like piercing needles to my heart, and I could hardly bear the pain of having to watch her like that. She would also have to go to the doctor for blood work every couple of days while she was home too. Her veins were so tiny that they could never pull any blood from them. You could see the look of hurt and ache rush across her face each time they stuck her. The nurse would always have to go and get different needles, and it always turned out to be such a long process. When I would ask Mom if she was okay she would always say to me, “This isn’t anything compared to what Jesus went through on the cross.” I knew she was hurting, and the fact that she had such a good attitude just melted my heart. What a testimony. I love her so, so much.
She did have some good days though. One Sunday morning she woke up, and said to me, “I feel like going to church today.” Momma loved her church, and had really been missing the people. It was so much fun to help her get ready that morning. Dad and I sat on the bed as she put several different scarves around her head trying to figure out which one to wear. She was so embarrassed because no one had seen her without hair yet. She looked so beautiful though. I helped her with her make-up, and Dad tied her scarf around her sweet, little head. When we got to church she put her arm around mine, and took a deep breath before we walked in. You should have seen everyone’s faces! It was so good to see Mom smile, and hear her laugh. I am smiling just thinking back on that day. It is a precious memory that I will forever cling to.
July was a different story. Mom was still having to go through chemo treatments, and was so sick all the time. It seemed like she was always in isolation. I hated having to wear a mask, gown, and gloves to be in there with her. I would constantly have to leave because it would get so hot, and she would just be so sick that I could hardly take it. She couldn’t eat or drink, so you can just imagine how awful it was with nothing on her stomach. She also had several complications with IV lines blowing, blood clots, and pic lines getting infected. It was always something! It was very scary when she would get infections, because she had no immune system. Sick, sick, sick is how she was 24/7. You would never hear her complain though.
While she was enduring all of this, Cleveland Clinic was in search of a bone marrow donor. The anticipation of waiting was horrible. My mom’s brother, Mark, decided to get tested since he was a direct sibling. We prayed so hard that he would be a match. I was at church one day when Mom called me crying to tell me that he wasn’t. She was so devastated. Her best friend, Teresa, was tested shortly after that and wasn’t a match either. It was so heart-breaking. Everything was turned upside down. I would be on my way to the hospital and see people out in their yards cooking on the grill, and walking out of stores with shopping bags. How I longed to have a “normal” life again. I just could understand why this had to happen to my mom of all people. The Lord was so good to us though. One day while Mom was home I was taking her to get blood work, and I told her if she felt like it that I would love to take her to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. She was feeling alright, so we went. Whenever we got there we were the only people in the restaurant. It was so nice. We had such sweet fellowship that morning. Towards the end of our meal the waitress came by to drop our ticket off. We sat there a little while longer, and she came back and picked it back up. Mom and I thought she might have forgotten to add something, and didn’t think another thing about it. We sat there and sat there until the waitress walked back over. When we asked for the ticket she said, “Someone dropped by and paid for it.” Mom and I were stunned! There was no one else in that building eating! God is good. Mom told me, “Kayla, look how the Lord blessed us and sent us an angel this morning.”
If I could choose one word to describe how the Lord was during this trial, it would be faithful. Little things like someone picking up our bill, or slipping money to me at church just proved how good the Lord is. He always supplied at the perfect time, and when we needed it most. Even on the worst days He was there, and He comforted us. There’s no other way we would have made it through. He chose us to go through this trial, and has been beside of us every second of every single day. He pays attention and knew exactly what we felt. If you don’t get anything else from this blog, get this: God Is faithful. I have much left to tell you. Many more months of sickness, heartache, and catastrophe, but it was all for a purpose. It is difficult to go back and remember everything, but I am praying you will be helped by it. It is with the Lord’s strength that I am typing every word, and I am praying that you will see His goodness and how He is helping us through this trial. II Corinthians 1:4.

Reality

Getting through the first month wasn’t easy, but it was so unreal that it almost wasn’t painful. Then, the second month rolled around. I remember getting off work every day, and having to go sit at the hospital just to watch my mom lie there completely miserable and try with all her might not to throw up or scream form all the pain she was in. It was so pitiful, and the fact that there was nothing I could do hurt so badly. Her sickness began to sink in, and really take a toll on me. When I would get home each evening, I would go out to our backyard and sit on our swing for hours and cry. My eyes would get so swollen that I literally couldn’t see. I couldn’t even eat or sleep. Why my mom? Why now? Why me! I was angry. I just wanted to spend my last summer before college hanging out with friends, going on vacation, out to the mall or just enjoying myself. I felt like I was permanently sick. My mind was constantly going back and forth being thankful for the trial, and angry at the trial. I would feel sorry for myself, then repentant of feeling that way. I wasn’t the one having to lay there with cancer, but I couldn’t help feeling so frustrated all the time.
The different rounds of chemo Mom had to face were brutal. Watching it seep through the IV line and into her body made me so sick. All she could do was scream from the pain. One instance I recall so vividly was when her hair began to fall out. I remember walking into her hospital room, and she was sitting up in her bed with a lock of hair crying. My heart completely shattered. I walked over to her and put my arms around her aching body. As she wept on my shoulder I prayed God would just comfort her in some way. I knew how much she loved her hair, and I couldn’t imagine how devastating it was for her. I pulled my brush out of my purse, sat beside her and began brushing her hair. While I sat there, I knew that it would probably be the last time I would ever get to do that, and as I combed through every strand of hair my eyes would be fixed on each gob of it that fell into her lap. I can still see the expression on her face, and feel the pain that shot through my body as I empathized with her. In the back of mind I knew we were just in the beginning stages of it, and that there was going to be many hard things as we headed down this road. But I had no clue was about to come…

From My Perspective

Looking back on what has taken place in the past year is quite overwhelming. Family and friends often ask me, "How does all that has happened to you make you feel?" I've never really been one to "share my feelings" to those around me, but I thought I would take time to be transparent and just share what this trial has been like and how it has affected my own personal life. For those of you who have not caught on to what I am talking about, I am referring to my mom's battle of A.L.L. leukemia. So, let me take you back to the very beginning.....


April 12, 2010: This started out as a normal day for me. Up early in the morning and off to school. It was my senior year, and my main focus was graduating and getting off to college in the fall. This was just one month before I officially graduated so you can imagine how many things were going on all throughout the school at this time. It was very exciting! Purchasing graduation announcements, picking out yearbook layouts, going to basketball games, I was just a normal student/ teenager. After school had let out for the day some of my friends invited me out to eat. So we went to our normal hangout, Taco Bell. As we all sat around discussing everything that had taken place that day, my phone suddenly rang. It was my dad. When I answered all I could hear was crying. My whole stomach completely dropped. When he finally caught his breath he said to me, "Kayla, I need you to get home right away." I of course jumped in my car, and went straight home having no clue what was going on. As I stepped through the front door my dad sat me on the couch, and said there was something he had to tell me. I was shaking out of my boots. He began to explain, "Your Mom wasn't feeling well this morning so I took her to the doctor for an antibiotic. The doctors just didn't think something was right so they sent us to the hospital where they began running tests. Within 15 minutes a doctor came out and told us that she had leukemia. She has already been admitted to the hospital." Within 30 seconds my whole entire world was turned upside down. I thought to myself, "This cannot be true, they made a mistake." But it was very real. Suddenly dreams of graduating and going to college simply did not matter. My Mom had cancer. My mom? Cancer? This is the type of thing you hear happening to other people all the time. But to my family? I felt like I was in a movie.



April 15, 2010: It had been a couple of days after my mom's diagnosis. I was going to school as normal, but still having to digest the fact that Mom was laying up at the hospital with cancer. It just did not seem real. Word had spread throughout the church, but I had not told anyone at school at this point. This was a particularly big day for me. For those of you who are familiar with the ACE program, this was the day that I would finish my last PACE. Meaning I would be finished with all my work for the rest of high school! This was a huge milestone, and the school always tried to make it special for each student. After I finished and my test was graded, my best friend took me out to celebrate. Again, I got another phone call. It was my dad. He said, "Kayla, I need you to get to the hospital as soon as possible." When I arrived the doctor came in and told us that they had identified the type of leukemia my mom had. A.L.L. (Acute Lymphoma Leukemia) He began to tell us about this particular type and how it was a child's leukemia and only 1 out of 1,000 adults get it every year or two nationwide. It was extremely rare for someone my mom's age to get it. Of course, all of this was going right over my head. This was just insane. I mentally could not process that this was actually happening.



Things started happening really fast. Mom started chemo, her hair began to fall out, her weight was increasingly dropping, and she started to become very sick. The doctors told us that in order to save her life they would have to do a bone marrow transplant, so she would have to be transferred to a different hospital. The closest one we found was in Ohio at the Cleveland Clinic. Now started the search for a bone marrow donor, but they ran into another complication. One of the tests came back to show that she had something called a Philadelphia chromosome. This is where part of chromosome 9 and part of chromosome 22 break off and trade places. This meant that her DNA was corrupt! After looking through the entire, national database of bone marrow donors, there was not one single match. This was devastating. What were we going to do?



In the midst of this I graduated high school, and was now faced with the question, "Am I still going to go to college in the fall?" After praying about it I of course decided to postpone. Things started to become tight since Mom was out of a job, and on top of that hospital bills began to accumulate. I had managed putting off working throughout the school year, but I really needed to help out with bills. The Lord opened up a door right away for me. I was interviewed and hired at a place called Union Mission Brookside. This is a women's and children's homeless shelter. This was going to be a very interesting experience for me! My parents were very protective of me through my life, (which isn't a bad thing) and I had no knowledge of what the world was really like. I dealt with women straight off the streets, detoxing off of drugs, manipulating you for anything and everything, and taking advantage of you any chance they got. But that is a separate story in itself! I was already on such an emotional roller coaster with my family; you can only imagine how much this added to it!



This begins the journey of a hard trial that God, for some reason, has counted my family worthy of to go through. I have covered the first month with you and I hope to share the rest of our story up to the present time. Month after month I keep everything bottled up, and the Lord keeps bringing one verse to mind, "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." II Corinthians 1:4 I pray that our story will help and encourage you and that God will get all the glory from it. He is so good, and so faithful, and deserves all the praise. This is my family's story, from my perspective.....