Sometimes the only answer we have is that God has the answer

Recently one of my good friends had surgery and was admitted to the hospital for recovery after the procedure. As her friend I of course wanted to do everything I could to make sure she was okay. Whenever I initially stepped foot into the hospital I wanted to turn right back around and leave. I have not been in a hospital since my mother passed away last year. So many memories flooded my head as I began to walk down the hallway. I found myself repeating the same Bible verse I did the whole 10 months my mom was in the hospital...

 “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.” Psalm 94:19

No matter how worried I made myself get I could always turn to that verse. If I just thought on the Lord it was hard not to be comforted and relieved.

My stomach was turning in knots as I entered the room to see my friend. I felt as if I was going through everything all over again. I could just picture my mom laying in that hospital bed suffering. It has been very easy for me to avoid the fact that my mother is no longer on this earth. Being away at college I never have to think about it and no one has to know. There are no memories of her there, and I can make myself avoid it. Pretty selfish of me, isn’t it? The Lord has allowed me to go through everything so that I can help others. Time and time again the Lord has showed Himself to me in ways that I could not describe to you. Sitting in the hospital every day this week has brought me back to a reality that I need to face. Everything I am doing is a waste if I am trying to avoid what God has placed before me. It is wrong for me to try to forget and not think about the precious trial the Lord has allowed me to go through. There is no way I can be an effective witness if I do that.

Almost right after I regained focus of where the Lord has and wants me, I received a text from a girl I go to college with. She asked me to call and encourage her friend that just lost her Mom to cancer several hours before she contacted me. How could I have called that girl if I was doing everything I could not to think about what God has placed in my life? Today I am reminded that I am not the only 20 year-old girl in the world without a mother, and I won’t be the last. I don't why it happened, but sometimes the only answer we have to every situation is that God holds the answer. We can then encourage others to hold on to that same hope and cry and pray with them as we remember feeling the same way they did when it happened to us. May we never avoid the trials we face. We will never be able to help someone else if we do.

“Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.”  II Corinthians 1:4

“…..the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

I find it very difficult sometimes not to be angry or upset that the Lord took away my mother. It still feels like I’m in a dream and keep trying to wake up. The more I think about it the more sick I become. I watch my friends receive letters and care packages from their Mom’s back home, and I have to remind myself that I will never get that again. Oh, if you only knew how excited my mom was to see me go off to college. I can still her face today. It was her dream. Now here I am sitting on a couch in my dorm writing about her absence from this earth. It just seems so unreal.

            Next Wednesday I will get up early in the morning to go home for the first Thanksgiving without my momma. It will be 9 months on Thanksgiving Day since the Lord took her. It amazes how comforting the Lord has been. He has been a firm rock for me to lean on. There are certainly days of frustration and heavy grief, but through it all God has been so gracious to me. I just read through the book of Job recently. What an amazing testimony Job had. He lost it all but saw proof that all his losses were bearable with the presence of God. Losing my mother is not even comparable to what Job faced, but it shows me that trials not only prove us but purify us. God even blessed Job with twice as much as he had before.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that the Lord has allowed my family to go through this trial. Although the pain will never go away and seems unbearable at times, I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for the passing of my mother. My brother, Caleb, came to know the Lord, and many other people have received Christ as Savior because of Mom’s testimony. I’m sure that is worth it to her. I can’t wait to see her again. I sure wish she was here to talk to, but I’m thankful for a Savior who never stops caring and never forgets that I am hurting. I couldn’t do without Him. He is everything to me. Bless His name.

God's grace is sufficient

Just a few short weeks ago I packed up my car and headed back here to Tennessee for college. It was quite a mixture of emotions as I drove down the interstate. Thoughts ran through my head such as:

-          I really feel guilty for leaving my dad. I want to physically be there for him during this time.

-          I know this is what God wants for me though.

-          I’m excited to get back and be just a normal student.

-          I hope people don’t treat me different. I know it’s only been 6 months, but God has helped me.

-          I think I might’ve brought too much stuff.

-          Lord, please save me a bottom bunk.

-          I really wish Mom was here to go down with me, and help me get settled in. I wonder if she’s watching me.

-          Don’t cry Kayla. Don’t ruin your make-up.

-          I hope Dad will be okay. Lord, please help him.

As I made my journey that day and as so many thoughts flooded my head, I couldn’t help but thank the Lord for what He has done in my life. I have not forgotten, nor will ever forget my precious Mother but God has given me so much grace that I would’ve never understood if I hadn’t gone through this trial. Many of you know how much my mom loved butterflies. I lost track of how many I saw throughout the day as I was driving. Its little things that the Lord does that makes my eyes well up with tears. He really does care for me so much.

Getting settled back in to school I was overwhelmed at how sincere and kind everyone was. People kept asking how I made it through last semester, and how my summer went. The only thing I could tell them was that it was the Lord. Looking back on all the running back and forth to Cleveland, OH, trying to catch up and keep up with school work, meeting new people, losing my mom, coming back to school after her funeral and finishing a whole semester with passing grades, it had to be the Lord! There is no way I could’ve gotten through one single day without Him. Even if I tried I was completely miserable.

I believe what I’m trying to say is that I just really love the Lord. He knows my heart, and my desire to follow Him. Some days are almost unbearable when I pick up the phone to call Mom and realize I can’t. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry and get sick over the fact that she isn’t here. Every thought is laced around her. BUT God has carried me, and I know he will continue to do so. He dries my tears and fills my heart with gladness. Aren’t you glad that in our weakness His strength is perfect? “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” II Corinthians 12:9. So today I just want to thank and praise the Lord for what He has done for me this year. He is my best friend.

My God cares

God is good. As I get older, my desire to know the Lord increases. I cannot fathom how precious I am to Him, and that despite my un-ending sinful nature,
He still loves me. My mom's death has taken such a toll on me lately. You get to the point where you start to question if people remember or not. God never
forgets, and at my lowest He reminds me He knows all about it. In the past couple of weeks, God has been sending me reminders of how much He cares for me.
Now, some may call it "coincidences" but I know it is The Lord. Recently I went out with my good friend, Adrien. We spent an entire Saturday together. That
morning I had been missing my mom more than usual. It was so hard to get out of bed, but I knew I really needed to get out of the house and enjoy myself.
So, we met up and began our day. We went to the hair salon, the mall and even made pottery. But something happened that day that I will never, ever forget.

We stopped for lunch at a place called "Hillbilly Hot Dogs." It is a hidden, West Virginian treasure! One of the neat things about this place is that you
can sign your name anywhere! There are thousands and thousands of signatures all over the place. On the floor, wall, ceiling, windows, tables, you
name it, there's a signature on it! It was unusually crowded that day too. We ordered our hot dogs and deep-fried mac and cheese, and finally found a booth
to sit at. We talked about my mom a lot, which was nice. A lot of people, bless their hearts, tend to get very uncomfortable if I bring her up, or they just
don't say anything and change the subject. I know they don't know what to say though, and I don't take any offense to it. It helped me to be able to talk
about her so freely though. As we sat there talking, I saw Adrien point to the wall at our booth. Her eyes grew big and her mouth dropped open. I turned to
look, and there written as plain as day was the name Melissa Bailey!! I know for a fact that my mom never knew that place existed, and it wasn't even close
to her handwriting! You can't tell me that the God who SPOKE the world into existence couldn't reach down from Heaven and put the name there just for me!!!
I just can't get over it!

There has been numerous other things happen as well. Just last week at the thrift store where I work one of my co-workers came to the back room where I sort
donations. She was telling me how they have a big stack of newspapers by the cash register to wrap any fragile items customers purchase. She happened to look
down at one of the pieces of newspaper, and the first thing she saw was my mom's obituary. She brought it to me just in shock that out of the whole stack she
saw that! God pays attention to us, and He knows how bad we hurt. Just think of the hurt He felt on the cross. We cannot even begin to imagine. Whether I see
a butterfly or my mom's favorite Disney character, it is a reminder to me that God loves me. "How precious are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the
sum of them!" Today I have written this so one day I can look back and remember what God has done for me. He is so good, and I praise Him for carrying me
through this trial. He never gets tired of me asking for help. I am so thankful He saved me, and that I will get to see my precious Mother again one day.
What a day that will be!!

The God of all comfort

Lately I have found myself getting so frustrated with the way I’m feeling. I am already tired of feeling so sad and crying all the time. I just want to be okay again, and not feel so empty. Then I have to sit back and remind myself that it has only been a little over 4 months since Mom died. It is still so fresh. My whole thought process just goes from one extreme to the other. I thought I would just be as transparent as I can with you today. Here are just a few of the thoughts that flood my head every second of every day:

- She is dead?
- I don’t have a Mother.
- Okay, this has really happened.
- Wait, she’s never coming back.
- God please help me.
- I have one parent.
- She is missing out on my life. My future.
- Who am I supposed to call when I have boyfriend problems, or I need to cry because a friend hurt me?
- Who is going to tell me what medicine to take when I’m sick? I need my mom.
- Lord please help me. I need Your help.
- I miss her so much.
- Poor Dad. I hate this so much for him.
- Caleb is only 17, and has to deal with this.
- What about my wedding?
- I wish I could stop crying.
- Lean on the Lord Kayla.
- I wish I could talk to her.
- I miss playing Yahtzee with her.
- If I could just hug her one more time.

Each day I miss my mom more and more. The realization that she is dead becomes more real every day. Sometimes I will cry so much that all I can do is throw up. I will tell you that it is not all bad though. Not only does my longing to have her here with me increase every day, but I also love and appreciate her more. I never knew how truly great of a woman she was, and how many lives she affected. Over 1,000 people attended her funeral. There will never be anyone as caring and loving as she was. She always put everyone before herself. Even on her death bed she asked about other people back home to make sure they were okay. It just amazes me. She is my hero. One dear lady I was talking with this week said this, “Kayla, the torch has been passed off to you.” I have never thought of it that way. I hope that I will make my mom proud. I have not been leaning on the Lord like I should through this trail. How can the Lord use me when I am not leaning solely on Him? I can’t even begin to imagine the grief that my Lord experienced on the cross. I will see my mom again one day, and be able to spend all of eternity with her. There are some days that doesn’t seem comforting because of my flesh. My frustration gets in the way, and all I think about is me, me and me. But I have a Heavenly Father who is the God of ALL COMFORT. Psalm 94:19, “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.” Even though every thought is laced around my mother, when I begin to think and dwell on the things of the Lord I can’t help but be comforted. God is good. I fail so much, but He is always there ready to mend my broken and hurting heart.

Today I have shared some of my innermost thoughts with you. I hope that it has helped you in some way, and I ask that you pray for me. I desire to be everything God has created me to be, and to follow Him down the path He has prepared for me. May my precious Mother’s testimony live on forever.

Then I wake up...

When Mom first died I started having very vivid dreams about her still being in the hospital. It was as if nothing had changed, and I was sitting right beside of her bed taking care of her. In my dreams we would usually talk about how she wanted her hair to look when it started growing back. She loved her hair! But then I would wake up, and I would have to lie in bed and relive her death. To this day I can’t quite bring myself to realize that she is dead. I cannot hug her, call her, nothing. She is gone. One of my friends recently asked me, “I never know whether to talk about your Mom or to not just say anything. What is easiest for you?” I didn’t know how to really answer that. It’s almost like I don’t want anyone to talk about her, but then when they don’t it hurts me. It’s such a weird process. Some days I feel like if you were to simply say “hi” to me that I would just burst out into tears. Then there are days like yesterday. I could not stop crying all day. My insides hurt, and I just ached all over. It was almost uncontrollable.

The Lord has placed quite a few people in my life that have been in my shoes. Maybe they haven’t lost a Mom at 19 years old, but a brother or a father at a young age. It has been nice to talk to people that have had the same thought process as me. A couple of weeks ago a preacher told me exactly what I needed to hear. He said, “People will tell you it gets easier. It never gets easier; God just gives you the grace you need to learn how to deal with it every day.” It was almost hard to hear that, but in a way it helped.

So here I am again reminding myself that God counted my family worthy to go through this. He chose us to go through this because He knew we could handle it by leaning on Him. “…but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able…”

God IS faithful. I CAN get through this with HIS help. Each day seems to be getting harder and not any better. I do know that the Lord sees my tears, and hears my earnest plea for help. What a friend I have in Jesus. Even though I feel like He must be getting tired of hearing me cry about how much I miss and want my mom….He never does. He even saves my tears. I look forward to the day I get to reunite with my precious Mother. “In the sweet by and by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore…”

"...David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."

It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog. I have sat down many times to write, but reliving all that has taken place is almost too unbearable. After Mom’s funeral I turned around and went right back to college to finish out the semester. I was very behind on all the work that I had missed, so I was very busy catching up and keeping up with all my classes. Being constantly surrounded by people helped me too. Now that I am home for the summer and can sit down and breathe, I believe I have just begun the grieving process. There are many books written on grieving, and almost anything you read has narrowed grief down to 5 stages: 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance. There is no specific time frame for these stages. For some people it can take as little as a couple of months, while for other people it could take several years. For me personally I don’t think I’m passed the denial, but I know I’m in the anger stage. I am on edge all the time. I find myself feeling frustrated and aggravated all the time at people when they have done nothing to me. The littlest things offend me. I’m just so mad that this happened. But behind the anger and frustration is just a longing to have my mother here with me. I not only emotionally hurt, but physically from the inside out. It takes me almost the whole day to get myself ready, and just trying to get my body out of bed is a struggle every morning.

I don’t just hurt for myself, but for my family as well. I think I hurt more for my dad than my own self. He is experiencing a different type of grief than I am. I have lost my mother, but he has lost a spouse. After being by her side for over 20 years he feels an emptiness that I cannot understand even though this is a huge loss for me as well. Half of him is gone, and he doesn’t know who he is without her. Watching him grieve is by far one of the most painful things I have ever endured emotionally. I can sit by him while he cries and wrap my arms around him, but there is nothing I can do or say to take away the pain he is experiencing. It is heart breaking. There are reminders of her everywhere. I can’t even sit in my normal pew at church because that’s where Mom and I sat together every Sunday. There are things I’ve always wanted, but have now changed since she is gone. For instance, I have always dreamed of getting married at my church because that’s where my parents were married. But now the thought of walking down the same aisle as her just makes me cry.

So how am I supposed to get through this and move on? God’s Word tells me in Psalm 124:8, “Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” In order for me to get through every second of the day I must lean on the Lord because He is where my help is. It is not wrong to grieve and to miss my mom, but I must not let it consume me. I do not want to miss the path that God has prepared for me, so I must trust and lean on Him or I will not be able to function. God knew this would happen, and His timing is perfect even though I don’t understand why He took her at this stage in my life. I do know that the Lord allowed this in my life so that others can see HIM through my brokenness. 2 Corinthians 1:4, “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” If I am not trusting God and walking with Him how am supposed to be an effective light for Him? That’s simple, I can’t. Today I wrote this blog entry down more for myself than anyone. The Bible says in I Samuel that “… David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.” I am encouraged and reminded of who God is, and that He has a special plan for my life. I praise God for the love He has shown me, and for all the little reminders He brings throughout the day to show me how much He cares and that He remembers how much I am hurting right now. I love Him.