Lately I have found myself getting so frustrated with the way I’m feeling. I am already tired of feeling so sad and crying all the time. I just want to be okay again, and not feel so empty. Then I have to sit back and remind myself that it has only been a little over 4 months since Mom died. It is still so fresh. My whole thought process just goes from one extreme to the other. I thought I would just be as transparent as I can with you today. Here are just a few of the thoughts that flood my head every second of every day:
- She is dead?
- I don’t have a Mother.
- Okay, this has really happened.
- Wait, she’s never coming back.
- God please help me.
- I have one parent.
- She is missing out on my life. My future.
- Who am I supposed to call when I have boyfriend problems, or I need to cry because a friend hurt me?
- Who is going to tell me what medicine to take when I’m sick? I need my mom.
- Lord please help me. I need Your help.
- I miss her so much.
- Poor Dad. I hate this so much for him.
- Caleb is only 17, and has to deal with this.
- What about my wedding?
- I wish I could stop crying.
- Lean on the Lord Kayla.
- I wish I could talk to her.
- I miss playing Yahtzee with her.
- If I could just hug her one more time.
Each day I miss my mom more and more. The realization that she is dead becomes more real every day. Sometimes I will cry so much that all I can do is throw up. I will tell you that it is not all bad though. Not only does my longing to have her here with me increase every day, but I also love and appreciate her more. I never knew how truly great of a woman she was, and how many lives she affected. Over 1,000 people attended her funeral. There will never be anyone as caring and loving as she was. She always put everyone before herself. Even on her death bed she asked about other people back home to make sure they were okay. It just amazes me. She is my hero. One dear lady I was talking with this week said this, “Kayla, the torch has been passed off to you.” I have never thought of it that way. I hope that I will make my mom proud. I have not been leaning on the Lord like I should through this trail. How can the Lord use me when I am not leaning solely on Him? I can’t even begin to imagine the grief that my Lord experienced on the cross. I will see my mom again one day, and be able to spend all of eternity with her. There are some days that doesn’t seem comforting because of my flesh. My frustration gets in the way, and all I think about is me, me and me. But I have a Heavenly Father who is the God of ALL COMFORT. Psalm 94:19, “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.” Even though every thought is laced around my mother, when I begin to think and dwell on the things of the Lord I can’t help but be comforted. God is good. I fail so much, but He is always there ready to mend my broken and hurting heart.
Today I have shared some of my innermost thoughts with you. I hope that it has helped you in some way, and I ask that you pray for me. I desire to be everything God has created me to be, and to follow Him down the path He has prepared for me. May my precious Mother’s testimony live on forever.
Kayla...honey! I could imagine the tears streaming down your beautiful face as you wrote this. I think of you, Caleb, and your Dad often,and believe me, I don't "wonder how" because I KNOW HOW and what your life must be like without your MOM. I too, feel that I am not leaning on our Lord as much as he asks us to, or I wouldn't feel like my life is so empty. I miss my Keebo today as much as I did 2 years ago. Sometimes I think I can still hear some of the little things he would say, or little noises he would make.
ReplyDeleteI could go on and on about how I pick up one of his shoes that are still on the shelf over the dryer, or one of his shirts that I just hold close to me...but I can't allow myself to dwell on those memories because I know it is not "healthy". Instead, I try to remember some of the funny little things he would say, and the good times we had throughout his short life. I guess what I am saying is that it is ok to cry and its normal to miss her, but don't allow yourself to dwell on the sad things you won't be able to share with her, but remember her and the special moments you shared together and the good times you shared as a family. Your Mother was a very special person.she was so proud of you and Caleb and and loved you both very much. I love you honey and if you ever need me for anything, please...let me know! Aunt Mary
Beautiful words from a beautiful young lady. Keep going Kayla. Keep waking up and experiencing those fresh new mercies every morning. He has yet to fail on one of His promises. I love you.
ReplyDeleteKayla I know that I have told you this before but your Mom saved me she took me under her wing and showed that GOD CAN LOVE ME I owe her for evrything I have God sent her to me as an angel and now she is by his side I cant imagine your pain but take comfort in the fact that she has helped so many people just like me some you will never know about she never gave up on me continued to pray for me and there arent many people in this world who would do that SHE WAS SO PROUD OF YOU AND CALEB AND NOW EVEN PROUDER YOUR AMAZING GIRL
ReplyDeleteLOVE YOU
You don't know me, and I don't know you, Kayla, but my heart goes out to you. He will never fail you. God WILL comfort you, and He has a PURPOSE beyond our understanding. You are doing right to turn TO HIM for comfort. He truly is the God of all comfort.
ReplyDeleteThis book online might help/comfort you: The God of All Comfort by Hannah Whitall Smith. You can read it online at http://www.ccel.org/ccel/smith_hw/comfort.I_1.html.
Praying for you whenever the Lord brings you to mind.
P.S. I sent your blog to the daughter of a dear friend who passed away 3 1/2 years ago. Elisa (about your age) has 6 siblings (only one of them is older than she), and she is helping her dad raise them now. When you read this, would you please pray for her?