“…..the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”

I find it very difficult sometimes not to be angry or upset that the Lord took away my mother. It still feels like I’m in a dream and keep trying to wake up. The more I think about it the more sick I become. I watch my friends receive letters and care packages from their Mom’s back home, and I have to remind myself that I will never get that again. Oh, if you only knew how excited my mom was to see me go off to college. I can still her face today. It was her dream. Now here I am sitting on a couch in my dorm writing about her absence from this earth. It just seems so unreal.

            Next Wednesday I will get up early in the morning to go home for the first Thanksgiving without my momma. It will be 9 months on Thanksgiving Day since the Lord took her. It amazes how comforting the Lord has been. He has been a firm rock for me to lean on. There are certainly days of frustration and heavy grief, but through it all God has been so gracious to me. I just read through the book of Job recently. What an amazing testimony Job had. He lost it all but saw proof that all his losses were bearable with the presence of God. Losing my mother is not even comparable to what Job faced, but it shows me that trials not only prove us but purify us. God even blessed Job with twice as much as he had before.

This Thanksgiving I am thankful that the Lord has allowed my family to go through this trial. Although the pain will never go away and seems unbearable at times, I would not be where I am today if it wasn’t for the passing of my mother. My brother, Caleb, came to know the Lord, and many other people have received Christ as Savior because of Mom’s testimony. I’m sure that is worth it to her. I can’t wait to see her again. I sure wish she was here to talk to, but I’m thankful for a Savior who never stops caring and never forgets that I am hurting. I couldn’t do without Him. He is everything to me. Bless His name.

God's grace is sufficient

Just a few short weeks ago I packed up my car and headed back here to Tennessee for college. It was quite a mixture of emotions as I drove down the interstate. Thoughts ran through my head such as:

-          I really feel guilty for leaving my dad. I want to physically be there for him during this time.

-          I know this is what God wants for me though.

-          I’m excited to get back and be just a normal student.

-          I hope people don’t treat me different. I know it’s only been 6 months, but God has helped me.

-          I think I might’ve brought too much stuff.

-          Lord, please save me a bottom bunk.

-          I really wish Mom was here to go down with me, and help me get settled in. I wonder if she’s watching me.

-          Don’t cry Kayla. Don’t ruin your make-up.

-          I hope Dad will be okay. Lord, please help him.

As I made my journey that day and as so many thoughts flooded my head, I couldn’t help but thank the Lord for what He has done in my life. I have not forgotten, nor will ever forget my precious Mother but God has given me so much grace that I would’ve never understood if I hadn’t gone through this trial. Many of you know how much my mom loved butterflies. I lost track of how many I saw throughout the day as I was driving. Its little things that the Lord does that makes my eyes well up with tears. He really does care for me so much.

Getting settled back in to school I was overwhelmed at how sincere and kind everyone was. People kept asking how I made it through last semester, and how my summer went. The only thing I could tell them was that it was the Lord. Looking back on all the running back and forth to Cleveland, OH, trying to catch up and keep up with school work, meeting new people, losing my mom, coming back to school after her funeral and finishing a whole semester with passing grades, it had to be the Lord! There is no way I could’ve gotten through one single day without Him. Even if I tried I was completely miserable.

I believe what I’m trying to say is that I just really love the Lord. He knows my heart, and my desire to follow Him. Some days are almost unbearable when I pick up the phone to call Mom and realize I can’t. Not a day goes by that I don’t cry and get sick over the fact that she isn’t here. Every thought is laced around her. BUT God has carried me, and I know he will continue to do so. He dries my tears and fills my heart with gladness. Aren’t you glad that in our weakness His strength is perfect? “And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” II Corinthians 12:9. So today I just want to thank and praise the Lord for what He has done for me this year. He is my best friend.

My God cares

God is good. As I get older, my desire to know the Lord increases. I cannot fathom how precious I am to Him, and that despite my un-ending sinful nature,
He still loves me. My mom's death has taken such a toll on me lately. You get to the point where you start to question if people remember or not. God never
forgets, and at my lowest He reminds me He knows all about it. In the past couple of weeks, God has been sending me reminders of how much He cares for me.
Now, some may call it "coincidences" but I know it is The Lord. Recently I went out with my good friend, Adrien. We spent an entire Saturday together. That
morning I had been missing my mom more than usual. It was so hard to get out of bed, but I knew I really needed to get out of the house and enjoy myself.
So, we met up and began our day. We went to the hair salon, the mall and even made pottery. But something happened that day that I will never, ever forget.

We stopped for lunch at a place called "Hillbilly Hot Dogs." It is a hidden, West Virginian treasure! One of the neat things about this place is that you
can sign your name anywhere! There are thousands and thousands of signatures all over the place. On the floor, wall, ceiling, windows, tables, you
name it, there's a signature on it! It was unusually crowded that day too. We ordered our hot dogs and deep-fried mac and cheese, and finally found a booth
to sit at. We talked about my mom a lot, which was nice. A lot of people, bless their hearts, tend to get very uncomfortable if I bring her up, or they just
don't say anything and change the subject. I know they don't know what to say though, and I don't take any offense to it. It helped me to be able to talk
about her so freely though. As we sat there talking, I saw Adrien point to the wall at our booth. Her eyes grew big and her mouth dropped open. I turned to
look, and there written as plain as day was the name Melissa Bailey!! I know for a fact that my mom never knew that place existed, and it wasn't even close
to her handwriting! You can't tell me that the God who SPOKE the world into existence couldn't reach down from Heaven and put the name there just for me!!!
I just can't get over it!

There has been numerous other things happen as well. Just last week at the thrift store where I work one of my co-workers came to the back room where I sort
donations. She was telling me how they have a big stack of newspapers by the cash register to wrap any fragile items customers purchase. She happened to look
down at one of the pieces of newspaper, and the first thing she saw was my mom's obituary. She brought it to me just in shock that out of the whole stack she
saw that! God pays attention to us, and He knows how bad we hurt. Just think of the hurt He felt on the cross. We cannot even begin to imagine. Whether I see
a butterfly or my mom's favorite Disney character, it is a reminder to me that God loves me. "How precious are thy thoughts unto me, O God! how great is the
sum of them!" Today I have written this so one day I can look back and remember what God has done for me. He is so good, and I praise Him for carrying me
through this trial. He never gets tired of me asking for help. I am so thankful He saved me, and that I will get to see my precious Mother again one day.
What a day that will be!!

The God of all comfort

Lately I have found myself getting so frustrated with the way I’m feeling. I am already tired of feeling so sad and crying all the time. I just want to be okay again, and not feel so empty. Then I have to sit back and remind myself that it has only been a little over 4 months since Mom died. It is still so fresh. My whole thought process just goes from one extreme to the other. I thought I would just be as transparent as I can with you today. Here are just a few of the thoughts that flood my head every second of every day:

- She is dead?
- I don’t have a Mother.
- Okay, this has really happened.
- Wait, she’s never coming back.
- God please help me.
- I have one parent.
- She is missing out on my life. My future.
- Who am I supposed to call when I have boyfriend problems, or I need to cry because a friend hurt me?
- Who is going to tell me what medicine to take when I’m sick? I need my mom.
- Lord please help me. I need Your help.
- I miss her so much.
- Poor Dad. I hate this so much for him.
- Caleb is only 17, and has to deal with this.
- What about my wedding?
- I wish I could stop crying.
- Lean on the Lord Kayla.
- I wish I could talk to her.
- I miss playing Yahtzee with her.
- If I could just hug her one more time.

Each day I miss my mom more and more. The realization that she is dead becomes more real every day. Sometimes I will cry so much that all I can do is throw up. I will tell you that it is not all bad though. Not only does my longing to have her here with me increase every day, but I also love and appreciate her more. I never knew how truly great of a woman she was, and how many lives she affected. Over 1,000 people attended her funeral. There will never be anyone as caring and loving as she was. She always put everyone before herself. Even on her death bed she asked about other people back home to make sure they were okay. It just amazes me. She is my hero. One dear lady I was talking with this week said this, “Kayla, the torch has been passed off to you.” I have never thought of it that way. I hope that I will make my mom proud. I have not been leaning on the Lord like I should through this trail. How can the Lord use me when I am not leaning solely on Him? I can’t even begin to imagine the grief that my Lord experienced on the cross. I will see my mom again one day, and be able to spend all of eternity with her. There are some days that doesn’t seem comforting because of my flesh. My frustration gets in the way, and all I think about is me, me and me. But I have a Heavenly Father who is the God of ALL COMFORT. Psalm 94:19, “In the multitude of my thoughts within me thy comforts delight my soul.” Even though every thought is laced around my mother, when I begin to think and dwell on the things of the Lord I can’t help but be comforted. God is good. I fail so much, but He is always there ready to mend my broken and hurting heart.

Today I have shared some of my innermost thoughts with you. I hope that it has helped you in some way, and I ask that you pray for me. I desire to be everything God has created me to be, and to follow Him down the path He has prepared for me. May my precious Mother’s testimony live on forever.

Then I wake up...

When Mom first died I started having very vivid dreams about her still being in the hospital. It was as if nothing had changed, and I was sitting right beside of her bed taking care of her. In my dreams we would usually talk about how she wanted her hair to look when it started growing back. She loved her hair! But then I would wake up, and I would have to lie in bed and relive her death. To this day I can’t quite bring myself to realize that she is dead. I cannot hug her, call her, nothing. She is gone. One of my friends recently asked me, “I never know whether to talk about your Mom or to not just say anything. What is easiest for you?” I didn’t know how to really answer that. It’s almost like I don’t want anyone to talk about her, but then when they don’t it hurts me. It’s such a weird process. Some days I feel like if you were to simply say “hi” to me that I would just burst out into tears. Then there are days like yesterday. I could not stop crying all day. My insides hurt, and I just ached all over. It was almost uncontrollable.

The Lord has placed quite a few people in my life that have been in my shoes. Maybe they haven’t lost a Mom at 19 years old, but a brother or a father at a young age. It has been nice to talk to people that have had the same thought process as me. A couple of weeks ago a preacher told me exactly what I needed to hear. He said, “People will tell you it gets easier. It never gets easier; God just gives you the grace you need to learn how to deal with it every day.” It was almost hard to hear that, but in a way it helped.

So here I am again reminding myself that God counted my family worthy to go through this. He chose us to go through this because He knew we could handle it by leaning on Him. “…but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able…”

God IS faithful. I CAN get through this with HIS help. Each day seems to be getting harder and not any better. I do know that the Lord sees my tears, and hears my earnest plea for help. What a friend I have in Jesus. Even though I feel like He must be getting tired of hearing me cry about how much I miss and want my mom….He never does. He even saves my tears. I look forward to the day I get to reunite with my precious Mother. “In the sweet by and by, We shall meet on that beautiful shore…”

"...David encouraged himself in the LORD his God."

It has been quite a while since I have posted on this blog. I have sat down many times to write, but reliving all that has taken place is almost too unbearable. After Mom’s funeral I turned around and went right back to college to finish out the semester. I was very behind on all the work that I had missed, so I was very busy catching up and keeping up with all my classes. Being constantly surrounded by people helped me too. Now that I am home for the summer and can sit down and breathe, I believe I have just begun the grieving process. There are many books written on grieving, and almost anything you read has narrowed grief down to 5 stages: 1. Denial, 2. Anger, 3. Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. Acceptance. There is no specific time frame for these stages. For some people it can take as little as a couple of months, while for other people it could take several years. For me personally I don’t think I’m passed the denial, but I know I’m in the anger stage. I am on edge all the time. I find myself feeling frustrated and aggravated all the time at people when they have done nothing to me. The littlest things offend me. I’m just so mad that this happened. But behind the anger and frustration is just a longing to have my mother here with me. I not only emotionally hurt, but physically from the inside out. It takes me almost the whole day to get myself ready, and just trying to get my body out of bed is a struggle every morning.

I don’t just hurt for myself, but for my family as well. I think I hurt more for my dad than my own self. He is experiencing a different type of grief than I am. I have lost my mother, but he has lost a spouse. After being by her side for over 20 years he feels an emptiness that I cannot understand even though this is a huge loss for me as well. Half of him is gone, and he doesn’t know who he is without her. Watching him grieve is by far one of the most painful things I have ever endured emotionally. I can sit by him while he cries and wrap my arms around him, but there is nothing I can do or say to take away the pain he is experiencing. It is heart breaking. There are reminders of her everywhere. I can’t even sit in my normal pew at church because that’s where Mom and I sat together every Sunday. There are things I’ve always wanted, but have now changed since she is gone. For instance, I have always dreamed of getting married at my church because that’s where my parents were married. But now the thought of walking down the same aisle as her just makes me cry.

So how am I supposed to get through this and move on? God’s Word tells me in Psalm 124:8, “Our help is in the name of the LORD, who made heaven and earth.” In order for me to get through every second of the day I must lean on the Lord because He is where my help is. It is not wrong to grieve and to miss my mom, but I must not let it consume me. I do not want to miss the path that God has prepared for me, so I must trust and lean on Him or I will not be able to function. God knew this would happen, and His timing is perfect even though I don’t understand why He took her at this stage in my life. I do know that the Lord allowed this in my life so that others can see HIM through my brokenness. 2 Corinthians 1:4, “Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.” If I am not trusting God and walking with Him how am supposed to be an effective light for Him? That’s simple, I can’t. Today I wrote this blog entry down more for myself than anyone. The Bible says in I Samuel that “… David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.” I am encouraged and reminded of who God is, and that He has a special plan for my life. I praise God for the love He has shown me, and for all the little reminders He brings throughout the day to show me how much He cares and that He remembers how much I am hurting right now. I love Him.

The real journey begins

August 2010: This was the month I was supposed to head off to college. How I longed to start this next chapter of my life. God had different plans though. Instead of packing up for college, I sat in the hospital with a mask, gown, and gloves on only to sit and watch my helpless Mother lie there with no immune system. She had several blood clots throughout her body, and could do nothing but throw up all the time. I can’t stress how awful it was to see her like that. The tears I shed were innumerable. On August 5th I suddenly became very sick, and wasn’t allowed in the hospital to be with Mom. That was a very difficult time for me. I would just lie in bed with nothing to do but let my mind race back and forth trying to figure out if what was happening to my family was real. I spent a lot of time in prayer just begging God for a miracle. If we could’ve at least gotten her up to Cleveland to get the transplant started, then maybe we would see progress. Waiting was by far the most excruciating part of the whole trial. But on August 9th God answered my prayer. Cleveland Clinic had found a match!!! What a relief it was to hear that news! Finally after 4 months they were able to find a donor to give Mom the transplant she needed to save her life! After the doctors told us the good news, they set up a consultation to go over everything with us for August 19th.

Mom was released from the hospital on the 13th to come home, and was just put on blood thinners to reduce the blood clots in her chest and arms. I was feeling a lot better too, so we decided that all four of us would go up to Cleveland together. When we arrived I was immediately overwhelmed at the size of the hospital. It was huge!! I remember walking around in amazement to how nice everything was. We were a little early that day, so we decided to grab some lunch at this little café that, little did I know, would become an everyday place to eat. As we all sat around and ate, you could see the look of anxiousness rush all across Mom’s face. Who wouldn’t be nervous though? When we finally got to sit down with the doctor he began to tell us how things would run, and the different negatives and positives. It was still so hard to believe that we were even having that conversation. Everything was all set though. The doctor wanted Mom to come back on the 30th for pre-testing. They had about 13 tests lined up to make sure her body was well enough to start the transplant, and after that they could get started.

As soon as we left the hospital, we headed straight for the Amish Country. That is one place I had always wanted to go, and we wanted to do something together as a family before Mom was admitted to the hospital again. She cried the whole way there. I felt so bad for her. Her nerves were such a mess from meeting with the doctor, and she just didn’t want to have to go through that. We rode in silence most of the way there. I prayed that God would just comfort her, and we would be able to enjoy that time together when we got there. It turned out to be such a nice trip too. Our hotel was gorgeous, and we had a balcony that overlooked the country. This one night Mom and I snuck over to one of the restaurants to get our favorite pie! It was such a special time. She didn’t have the strength to walk across the street, but she did it anyhow. Thinking back on certain times like that makes me think that Mom just knew she wouldn’t make it. I never had peace about it, and I think she knew that too. We had many talks about Heaven, and what things she wanted at her funeral. The picture above is my favorite of her. We had gone out to eat at this one restaurant, and she ordered steak. She was so excited! I recall so vividly her sitting there talking about how long it had been since she had one. It’s amazing the little things we take for granted like that. There’s so much more I could share with you about that trip, but I just can’t bring myself to let it out quite yet. There are just some memories you want to keep for yourself, and I think I’ll hold on to them for now. After we arrived back home it seemed that in the blink of an eye it was time for Mom to head back up to Cleveland again. This time only Mom and Dad went up while Caleb and I stayed behind. This is where reality sets in and the real journey begins…..

A Faithful God

During the month of June Mom continued to take chemo treatments, and in between each round the doctors would allow her to come home for up to 2 weeks. She could never make it that long though. I hated it for her. She would always be so relieved to get to come home, but would be so sick she would have to be re-admitted. During the time she was able to be at home she would work around the house trying to get chores and various things done even though she had no strength. I remember she would call me at work to tell me the things she had accomplished. She was so proud of herself! I was proud of her. Usually every day when I arrived home she would be in the bathroom throwing up. I know everyone hates being sick like that, but she especially did. She would be fine one minute, and the next she would be covering her mouth trying to hold it in until she got to the bathroom. I would run as fast as I could to try and grab a trashcan for her, and stand there while she would be so sick. Her tears were like piercing needles to my heart, and I could hardly bear the pain of having to watch her like that. She would also have to go to the doctor for blood work every couple of days while she was home too. Her veins were so tiny that they could never pull any blood from them. You could see the look of hurt and ache rush across her face each time they stuck her. The nurse would always have to go and get different needles, and it always turned out to be such a long process. When I would ask Mom if she was okay she would always say to me, “This isn’t anything compared to what Jesus went through on the cross.” I knew she was hurting, and the fact that she had such a good attitude just melted my heart. What a testimony. I love her so, so much.
She did have some good days though. One Sunday morning she woke up, and said to me, “I feel like going to church today.” Momma loved her church, and had really been missing the people. It was so much fun to help her get ready that morning. Dad and I sat on the bed as she put several different scarves around her head trying to figure out which one to wear. She was so embarrassed because no one had seen her without hair yet. She looked so beautiful though. I helped her with her make-up, and Dad tied her scarf around her sweet, little head. When we got to church she put her arm around mine, and took a deep breath before we walked in. You should have seen everyone’s faces! It was so good to see Mom smile, and hear her laugh. I am smiling just thinking back on that day. It is a precious memory that I will forever cling to.
July was a different story. Mom was still having to go through chemo treatments, and was so sick all the time. It seemed like she was always in isolation. I hated having to wear a mask, gown, and gloves to be in there with her. I would constantly have to leave because it would get so hot, and she would just be so sick that I could hardly take it. She couldn’t eat or drink, so you can just imagine how awful it was with nothing on her stomach. She also had several complications with IV lines blowing, blood clots, and pic lines getting infected. It was always something! It was very scary when she would get infections, because she had no immune system. Sick, sick, sick is how she was 24/7. You would never hear her complain though.
While she was enduring all of this, Cleveland Clinic was in search of a bone marrow donor. The anticipation of waiting was horrible. My mom’s brother, Mark, decided to get tested since he was a direct sibling. We prayed so hard that he would be a match. I was at church one day when Mom called me crying to tell me that he wasn’t. She was so devastated. Her best friend, Teresa, was tested shortly after that and wasn’t a match either. It was so heart-breaking. Everything was turned upside down. I would be on my way to the hospital and see people out in their yards cooking on the grill, and walking out of stores with shopping bags. How I longed to have a “normal” life again. I just could understand why this had to happen to my mom of all people. The Lord was so good to us though. One day while Mom was home I was taking her to get blood work, and I told her if she felt like it that I would love to take her to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. She was feeling alright, so we went. Whenever we got there we were the only people in the restaurant. It was so nice. We had such sweet fellowship that morning. Towards the end of our meal the waitress came by to drop our ticket off. We sat there a little while longer, and she came back and picked it back up. Mom and I thought she might have forgotten to add something, and didn’t think another thing about it. We sat there and sat there until the waitress walked back over. When we asked for the ticket she said, “Someone dropped by and paid for it.” Mom and I were stunned! There was no one else in that building eating! God is good. Mom told me, “Kayla, look how the Lord blessed us and sent us an angel this morning.”
If I could choose one word to describe how the Lord was during this trial, it would be faithful. Little things like someone picking up our bill, or slipping money to me at church just proved how good the Lord is. He always supplied at the perfect time, and when we needed it most. Even on the worst days He was there, and He comforted us. There’s no other way we would have made it through. He chose us to go through this trial, and has been beside of us every second of every single day. He pays attention and knew exactly what we felt. If you don’t get anything else from this blog, get this: God Is faithful. I have much left to tell you. Many more months of sickness, heartache, and catastrophe, but it was all for a purpose. It is difficult to go back and remember everything, but I am praying you will be helped by it. It is with the Lord’s strength that I am typing every word, and I am praying that you will see His goodness and how He is helping us through this trial. II Corinthians 1:4.

Reality

Getting through the first month wasn’t easy, but it was so unreal that it almost wasn’t painful. Then, the second month rolled around. I remember getting off work every day, and having to go sit at the hospital just to watch my mom lie there completely miserable and try with all her might not to throw up or scream form all the pain she was in. It was so pitiful, and the fact that there was nothing I could do hurt so badly. Her sickness began to sink in, and really take a toll on me. When I would get home each evening, I would go out to our backyard and sit on our swing for hours and cry. My eyes would get so swollen that I literally couldn’t see. I couldn’t even eat or sleep. Why my mom? Why now? Why me! I was angry. I just wanted to spend my last summer before college hanging out with friends, going on vacation, out to the mall or just enjoying myself. I felt like I was permanently sick. My mind was constantly going back and forth being thankful for the trial, and angry at the trial. I would feel sorry for myself, then repentant of feeling that way. I wasn’t the one having to lay there with cancer, but I couldn’t help feeling so frustrated all the time.
The different rounds of chemo Mom had to face were brutal. Watching it seep through the IV line and into her body made me so sick. All she could do was scream from the pain. One instance I recall so vividly was when her hair began to fall out. I remember walking into her hospital room, and she was sitting up in her bed with a lock of hair crying. My heart completely shattered. I walked over to her and put my arms around her aching body. As she wept on my shoulder I prayed God would just comfort her in some way. I knew how much she loved her hair, and I couldn’t imagine how devastating it was for her. I pulled my brush out of my purse, sat beside her and began brushing her hair. While I sat there, I knew that it would probably be the last time I would ever get to do that, and as I combed through every strand of hair my eyes would be fixed on each gob of it that fell into her lap. I can still see the expression on her face, and feel the pain that shot through my body as I empathized with her. In the back of mind I knew we were just in the beginning stages of it, and that there was going to be many hard things as we headed down this road. But I had no clue was about to come…

From My Perspective

Looking back on what has taken place in the past year is quite overwhelming. Family and friends often ask me, "How does all that has happened to you make you feel?" I've never really been one to "share my feelings" to those around me, but I thought I would take time to be transparent and just share what this trial has been like and how it has affected my own personal life. For those of you who have not caught on to what I am talking about, I am referring to my mom's battle of A.L.L. leukemia. So, let me take you back to the very beginning.....


April 12, 2010: This started out as a normal day for me. Up early in the morning and off to school. It was my senior year, and my main focus was graduating and getting off to college in the fall. This was just one month before I officially graduated so you can imagine how many things were going on all throughout the school at this time. It was very exciting! Purchasing graduation announcements, picking out yearbook layouts, going to basketball games, I was just a normal student/ teenager. After school had let out for the day some of my friends invited me out to eat. So we went to our normal hangout, Taco Bell. As we all sat around discussing everything that had taken place that day, my phone suddenly rang. It was my dad. When I answered all I could hear was crying. My whole stomach completely dropped. When he finally caught his breath he said to me, "Kayla, I need you to get home right away." I of course jumped in my car, and went straight home having no clue what was going on. As I stepped through the front door my dad sat me on the couch, and said there was something he had to tell me. I was shaking out of my boots. He began to explain, "Your Mom wasn't feeling well this morning so I took her to the doctor for an antibiotic. The doctors just didn't think something was right so they sent us to the hospital where they began running tests. Within 15 minutes a doctor came out and told us that she had leukemia. She has already been admitted to the hospital." Within 30 seconds my whole entire world was turned upside down. I thought to myself, "This cannot be true, they made a mistake." But it was very real. Suddenly dreams of graduating and going to college simply did not matter. My Mom had cancer. My mom? Cancer? This is the type of thing you hear happening to other people all the time. But to my family? I felt like I was in a movie.



April 15, 2010: It had been a couple of days after my mom's diagnosis. I was going to school as normal, but still having to digest the fact that Mom was laying up at the hospital with cancer. It just did not seem real. Word had spread throughout the church, but I had not told anyone at school at this point. This was a particularly big day for me. For those of you who are familiar with the ACE program, this was the day that I would finish my last PACE. Meaning I would be finished with all my work for the rest of high school! This was a huge milestone, and the school always tried to make it special for each student. After I finished and my test was graded, my best friend took me out to celebrate. Again, I got another phone call. It was my dad. He said, "Kayla, I need you to get to the hospital as soon as possible." When I arrived the doctor came in and told us that they had identified the type of leukemia my mom had. A.L.L. (Acute Lymphoma Leukemia) He began to tell us about this particular type and how it was a child's leukemia and only 1 out of 1,000 adults get it every year or two nationwide. It was extremely rare for someone my mom's age to get it. Of course, all of this was going right over my head. This was just insane. I mentally could not process that this was actually happening.



Things started happening really fast. Mom started chemo, her hair began to fall out, her weight was increasingly dropping, and she started to become very sick. The doctors told us that in order to save her life they would have to do a bone marrow transplant, so she would have to be transferred to a different hospital. The closest one we found was in Ohio at the Cleveland Clinic. Now started the search for a bone marrow donor, but they ran into another complication. One of the tests came back to show that she had something called a Philadelphia chromosome. This is where part of chromosome 9 and part of chromosome 22 break off and trade places. This meant that her DNA was corrupt! After looking through the entire, national database of bone marrow donors, there was not one single match. This was devastating. What were we going to do?



In the midst of this I graduated high school, and was now faced with the question, "Am I still going to go to college in the fall?" After praying about it I of course decided to postpone. Things started to become tight since Mom was out of a job, and on top of that hospital bills began to accumulate. I had managed putting off working throughout the school year, but I really needed to help out with bills. The Lord opened up a door right away for me. I was interviewed and hired at a place called Union Mission Brookside. This is a women's and children's homeless shelter. This was going to be a very interesting experience for me! My parents were very protective of me through my life, (which isn't a bad thing) and I had no knowledge of what the world was really like. I dealt with women straight off the streets, detoxing off of drugs, manipulating you for anything and everything, and taking advantage of you any chance they got. But that is a separate story in itself! I was already on such an emotional roller coaster with my family; you can only imagine how much this added to it!



This begins the journey of a hard trial that God, for some reason, has counted my family worthy of to go through. I have covered the first month with you and I hope to share the rest of our story up to the present time. Month after month I keep everything bottled up, and the Lord keeps bringing one verse to mind, "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." II Corinthians 1:4 I pray that our story will help and encourage you and that God will get all the glory from it. He is so good, and so faithful, and deserves all the praise. This is my family's story, from my perspective.....