Reality

Getting through the first month wasn’t easy, but it was so unreal that it almost wasn’t painful. Then, the second month rolled around. I remember getting off work every day, and having to go sit at the hospital just to watch my mom lie there completely miserable and try with all her might not to throw up or scream form all the pain she was in. It was so pitiful, and the fact that there was nothing I could do hurt so badly. Her sickness began to sink in, and really take a toll on me. When I would get home each evening, I would go out to our backyard and sit on our swing for hours and cry. My eyes would get so swollen that I literally couldn’t see. I couldn’t even eat or sleep. Why my mom? Why now? Why me! I was angry. I just wanted to spend my last summer before college hanging out with friends, going on vacation, out to the mall or just enjoying myself. I felt like I was permanently sick. My mind was constantly going back and forth being thankful for the trial, and angry at the trial. I would feel sorry for myself, then repentant of feeling that way. I wasn’t the one having to lay there with cancer, but I couldn’t help feeling so frustrated all the time.
The different rounds of chemo Mom had to face were brutal. Watching it seep through the IV line and into her body made me so sick. All she could do was scream from the pain. One instance I recall so vividly was when her hair began to fall out. I remember walking into her hospital room, and she was sitting up in her bed with a lock of hair crying. My heart completely shattered. I walked over to her and put my arms around her aching body. As she wept on my shoulder I prayed God would just comfort her in some way. I knew how much she loved her hair, and I couldn’t imagine how devastating it was for her. I pulled my brush out of my purse, sat beside her and began brushing her hair. While I sat there, I knew that it would probably be the last time I would ever get to do that, and as I combed through every strand of hair my eyes would be fixed on each gob of it that fell into her lap. I can still see the expression on her face, and feel the pain that shot through my body as I empathized with her. In the back of mind I knew we were just in the beginning stages of it, and that there was going to be many hard things as we headed down this road. But I had no clue was about to come…